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After spending countless hours on WebMD, I still am unable to diagnose my current disease. I’ve been plagued with this illness for what seems like an eternity. It’s horrible. I don’t wish this on my worst enemy. Perhaps you, my favorite reader, can help me out.
Here are my symptoms:
Unable to stop eating when bottomless food options are around (i.e. parties, buffets)
Tummy aches (from too much food)
Adverse reactions to foods (when I eat too much of them)
Lack of interest in conversations with adults in social situations (beyond the snack table)
Extreme anxiety (regarding running out of food, going to an event that doesn’t offer anything to eat, etc.)
Looking at pictures of food incessantly
What’s wrong with me? I noticed it recently when I left a party and had to take a cab the less than half a mile trek home, because I had such a bad tummy ache. I looked back on what I ate: Cheetos, crudités, a cookie or two, and about 37 pizza rolls. Nothing out of the ordinary!
It’s been happening a lot lately, too. Regardless of the food item, I have been having really nasty reactions. For example, the other day I had veggies and hummus. Healthy, right? Now, I don’t know exactly how much I ingested, but if I had to guess, maybe about 14 carrot sticks, a half a cucumber, 28 cherry tomatoes and about a half pint of hummus. Can you believe that I got a tummy ache from that? That’s not even the normal dairy or gluten stuff that everyone is yapping about these days.
I submitted for some experimental testing at the Mayo Clinic, but haven’t heard back. Also, it turns out they don’t run experiments with condiments, so honestly, I’m not really interested in them anymore.
I’d really like to start feeling better, though. I’d like to go back to eating 6 slices of pizza, a whole bag of chips and handfuls of jelly beans in one sitting and not get sick anymore. I mean, if it means I have to take some sort of pill, like for indigestion or whatever, that’s fine. I’ll do it! I’ll make that sacrifice!
Perhaps with awareness of this issue, I can work on finding a cure, too. I’m looking in to starting a foundation, so we can get federal funding to help end this crisis (in my tummy). I probably need a name for it, right? Something like, “Cranky Belly Syndrome” or “Grouchy Guts Disease.” If you have experienced anything similar to what I’ve mentioned, please get in touch with me. I’ll also happily take any suggestions for remedies, be it through the form of Western or Eastern practices.
Remember to stay safe out there, especially with the holidays fast approaching – St. Patrick’s Day and Daylight Savings time. There’s sure to be lots of snack tables and candy bowls out there, so be cautious! You never know what sounds your tummy will be making later!
Born and raised in Florida, Chloe Ditzel is a former class assistant at The Chopping Block, and would like to make it clear that she did not go to culinary school. She currently resides in Los Angeles, CA, and is discovering the culinary treasures of the west coast one delicious food truck at a time. Her biggest goal in life is to somehow combine the following three mediums: food, comedy & unicycles. Bon Appetite!